Berthe

Month: May 2024

Travelling to “faraway” places and to “myself” <3

May 28 2024 / / 0 Comments

I recently had a visit from a kind person. This person is honest and direct and told me after a few days that it bothered him that I tend to say negative things – as if I only notice them.
It hit me a bit and thanks to my now partly drug-influenced brain, he and I were able to deal with it instead of being directly afraid that I’d just been rejected. We talked about it, I dealt with it and from then on I talked about all the positive things I had noticed that day. I later showed him notes about a week where I endeavoured to write down positive things that happened to me every day, things that stood out to me, and so on. However, I also realised that this kept slipping under my radar and I couldn’t keep it up for long. The last year was already very negative and I couldn’t seem to get out of these spirals. Thanks to this person who told me so directly and also explained what was actually meant. And not with any big “pseudo” psychological talk behind it. We are all not professionals 😉 – maybe some of you are, but that’s not the point 😛

Now I’m writing this publicly here: I’m doing well! I’m making progress, I’m daring to do something.

This week I’m going to a camp – alone. I’m going to manage without one person being there for me 24/7. I have left 2 university courses so that I can do others safely (adult or something). I’ve managed to cut, print, colour and draw lots of postcards over the last few days. It’s now an 8 line “space / landscape” series and they come 7/8 in but in very colourful. They remind me a bit of 80s and trash – I love them. You could say I’m a bit proud of myself.
I’m finding my self-worth again. I also believe that I can “create” this art stuff.
I feel more comfortable in my own body again and I have renewed motivation for sport, art and further development. \o/ all in all: I am doing great!

If a manager (best wishes to p. <3) makes it (no pressure) there will be a ko-fi shop and a gallery on my homepage just in time for the camp. There’s a QR code and my website on the back of the card. Quasi advertising in self-production. I’ll write a separate article about the workaround.

I would like to conclude this short report with: https://youtu.be/YpIMF_NXjTs?si=_nHf6VgP3ZwKKyt6 (Björn Peng – Zucker)

Hello – it’s me – a ‘crappy life wisdom calendar that doesn’t help anyone’ – but I look good and am finally drawing again. (No connection)

May 24 2024 / / 0 Comments

Now I’m sitting here, listening to Beth Gibbons belting out the most famous? lines from Mysterons into the mic, it’s just GOLD. Add a cigarette and a nod to the trip hop beat – I just love it. https://youtu.be/CtxA_MP-9oE?si=snLFclgC527jWQGF
Embedded in a playlist between Trisomy 21 and Echo & The Bunnymen, it complements the mood I need to finally be productive again.

A little update: I’ve been on methylphenidate for a few days now (4..)- still on a low dose in the first test phase, I’m noticing the first phases that just irritate me:

So this isn’t what it’s like to randomly have erratic and never-ending thought vomit in your head for hours a day? So that’s what it’s like when not every paper crackle forces you to the edge of your nerves? So that’s what it’s like when you’re not first defiant, then annoyed, then sad and then motivated again, not motivated, chaotic and then unfocussed again?
The realisation that self-reflection is important and necessary but the thought, much more the knowledge ‘I can’t change this anyway no matter how hard I try’ – is just depressing and demoralising – and now there suddenly seems to be the possibility that development, i.e. real development, is actually possible brainexplosionmeme
After several frustrating years, months, days – finally a feeling of ‘I can really change it’.
And then it starts. Not just a ‘I’m going to fuck off and do my shit’ – but really ‘I’m going to do this’. Not just ‘I know I can’t do it’ – but ‘I can actually do it, make it, try it’.
That’s what self-motivation feels like. So that’s not what 24/7 masking is like. Lol Masking is also a joke somewhere when I don’t really have anything under control anyway 😀 Life.

Next challenge: after I’ve slowly realised what mistakes, shit and difficult situations I’ve partly caused. Learn from them, change, implement them differently, don’t lose myself, forget or lie to myself. Rekindle self-love and self-worth and relearn. Maybe this is finally a better basis for it. At least the motivation is there now laughs. I don’t want to relativise shitty shit with AuADHD here. I don’t live by the belief ‘I’m neurodiverse and therefore allowed to be an arsehole.’

I’m sure there will be people who find it difficult to see me differently from what they have adjusted to and become accustomed to. That’s probably the case. It’s also something I have to learn to live with, it’s very tiring and draining to keep trying to convince people of myself. I’m just tired. I need to get my arse against the wall and do my thing. Self-love, no panting for love from others because I’ve never learnt to love myself. No exaggerated empathy towards people from whom I long for ‘a feeling’ that I can’t give myself. So far so good – the arse is moving further and further towards the wall and I’m going to England next week.

Lol Short update. I guess that’s how it is when you want to tell more than anyone wants to read. After all, I’m doing this out of my own motivation and not because I want to generate fans, but I’m also not really angry if someone leaves something on Kofi. <3 love you.

Now to the actual highlight:

As recently reported, I’ve started a series of postcards.
Theme: ‘Space on drugs’
There will be 6-10 cards and three are already available. I will offer them for sale in a shop. All handmade, analogue and honest.

The landscape is supposed to represent the mountains on a distant planet. There are mountains with angular small composite parts on the right and left. the rocks can be seen half from above, they are depicted with wavy edge shapes. in the lower half of the picture, an ‘earth gap’ runs through the picture in which wavy rock edges can be seen again. The lower right and left halves of the picture could be interpreted as a desert with little vegetation. A huge planet with large eyes looks over a ‘mountain landscape’ with wavy edges and above and behind it it drips out of the universe. Stars can be recognised in between. At the bottom right is a kind of ‘cell planet with three “pollen”’. A winged ‘capsule planet’ with two hands on the joystick floats in the universe. Stars and planets can be seen around it, some of which are winged.
Died on the way to the Crystal Mountains look mother, the sun is rising space patrol at work

They’re all planned in lineart/fineart so far, but I’ve produced one of them in ‘colour’ as a test.

The landscape is supposed to represent the mountains on a distant planet. There are mountains with angular small composite parts on the right and left. the rocks can be seen half from above, they are depicted with wavy edge shapes. in the lower half of the picture, an ‘earth gap’ runs through the picture in which wavy rock edges can be seen again. The lower right and left halves of the picture could be interpreted as a desert with little vegetation.
Died on the way to the Crystal Mountains

Have a good time and stay safe.

<3

It’s the witching hour and I’m waiting for sleep

May 15 2024 / / 0 Comments

I like to say that I’m not doing particularly well at the moment. I’ve just had a guest, which was good. Now the guest is gone again and I’m trying to distract myself by drawing. I feel alone. I’m lacking social contacts and I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I’ve been thinking a lot more than usual for a few weeks now. For the last week I’ve been a mixture of angry, sad and unhappy.
The pressure to earn money hasn’t really gone away either – at least I’ve completed my first order and am finally producing stuff for my shop again.
I’m annoyed with my printer, this piece of crap from hell and the unavailability of exactly the materials I need right now is also stressing me out.
So far so good, at least I produced a few test stickers today that came out of the crap printer much too small.
Sleep well you guys out there.

urved lines reminiscent of rocks floating in the air and hints of mountains to the right and left - in colour. Stickers.
bunch of stickers
snippet of a b/w lineart/fineart with curved lines reminiscent of rocks floating in the air and hints of mountains to the right and left
fine art snippet of first postcard for 2024

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