What has actually happened in the last few weeks? One word that runs back and forth in my head is: blockade.
I’m still stuck in my job, I’ve been on sick leave for weeks, is it any wonder I was able to work at all without ADHD medication? According to my doctor, yes, but what can I say? I’ve somehow managed to function over the last few years.
I think that’s a terrible word in this context. “Functioning” in capitalism. Functioning under capitalist constraints, or the necessity to live from something? That’s another one of those phrases “you have to live on something” – as if living is only defined by money. Ah, wait a minute. There was something.
Now I’m waiting for my contract to end so that there’s room in my head for a new beginning. But at least I’m already working on it a bit. Most of the work is currently going into an event we’re planning for the summer. I’m doing the design and when the time comes, I’ll maybe set up a page here where I’ll present all the stuff.
I’m trying to let more people participate in my life again. To let them “into my life”, so to speak. It’s not that easy. I’m quite worried that there will be conflicts or that I’m “too much”. I’m working on minimizing that. I don’t think a “kiss my ass” attitude is the ideal way, but maybe a few percent to minimize the anxiety?`
In any case, I dared to go on stage (even though I didn’t say anything – I shouldn’t have watched the video eye roll), I went to a social event without really knowing anyone there, I communicated with people in a dialect I didn’t really know and – here it comes – I actually managed to be alone in my studio for more than a week without freaking out because the ceiling was falling on my head. Well, a bit, but only because I had the snotty plague.
Guys, I think things are slowly starting to look up again. It’s not “running up that hill” but more like “I’m slowly walking up a hill – backwards” but whatever. (crazy how humorous I am, isn’t it? In case you missed that “yes I listen to music from the 80s” joke)
What I came across the last two days is “DaDa” I kind of rediscovered it for myself and I’m definitely going to stick with it for a little while. I don’t know how I’m going to visualize it yet, but I’ve started writing poetry again. In German, though. German gives me the opportunity to be more confident with wordplay and hyphenation. Even if German seems cumbersome to many, the language gives me endless possibilities to be creative with it. The rule-breaking in the German language takes it to another level.
My last “poetry” is a romantic one. A rather kitschy one in my eyes and I’m going to write it here under my text (but in German). Well, I think I’ll write it in English too so that I can see that it really doesn’t work 😀
I’m too tired for anything else right now, but I’ll be further away soon, traveling a bit through clouds. I’ll bring back some drawings and maybe an update or two. Or rather the one or other fresh thought and regained motivation.
A romance
Welcome to the realm of sensuality,
we are all there from our senses – a
go with me, don’t go with me
go here, with me there.
When the sun goes down, the winter,
time ends, the world ends too.
We remain.
Particle.
Eine Romanze
Will-kommen im Reich der Sinn-haftigkeit,
sind wir alle von Sinnen dort – ein Ver-
unvernungfts-Be-Geh-ren, geh mit geh nicht
geh hier, mit mir dort.
Geht auch die Sonne, der Winter,
die Zeit unter, geht auch die Welt.
Wir bleiben.
Partikel.