Month: July 2023

Who is afraid of road movies? Something similar to a film review? well, not really.

I wasn’t feeling so well a few days ago, I had quite a wanderlust and just wanted to get away. So I sat down and tried to depict it somehow, and somehow only this one film came to mind. So I tried to put the two main characters on the page. I thought of the film poster and a scene on the train. However, it didn’t work out well, just off the top of my head, and I was quite dissatisfied. I don’t have an A3 scanner either and the thing that bothers me the most is that Ljoha actually has something like a buzzcut on and to me it looks like something out of a 50s cigarette commercial. So I’ll just post the idea – a clip and write this text here:

Plagued by wanderlust, I am incredibly receptive to such films. But not the ones where a few white men in their late 30s and early 40s drive through the desert and take a lot of drugs.

But rather the ones that aim for a very down-to-earth mood. Something you can compare yourself to and maybe think, “Yeah, I know that one”.
A film that is very relatable for me is Compartment No. 6.
In some articles they say it’s a drama, in others it’s a dramatic road movie. I wonder where the drama is here. In German, the word drama has a very different connotation than in English.

The timing of the film’s release was difficult. It premiered at the Cannes Film Festival in July 2021, but was only released in German-speaking cinemas in March 2022. Conceivably unfavourable for a film that takes place half in Russian, where this giant dick Putin is about to destroy an entire country.

The countries of production are Finland, Estonia, Germany and Russia. The languages of the film are Finnish and Russian.
I can only recommend watching this film in its original language. I briefly heard the German sync in a trailer and in my opinion it just sucks.
The female lead is played by Seidi Haarla (Laura in the film), she is just adorable. The male lead is played by Yuri Borisov, I don’t know that much about him, who knows many important or real things about actresses? After all, they are only human. But what I can say is that the few Russians I know are incredibly similar to this Yuri – Ljoha in the film.

The film takes place in the years when the Soviet Union is disintegrating, I existed at that time too, but I was much younger than Laura in the film. But that’s a point of reference for me. Well, Laura comes to Moscow and hangs out in this flat-sharing community where there are always these really cool intellectual parties and stuff. She’s quite in love with Irina, or at least that’s what she thinks. Laura is studying archaeology in Finland and she actually wants to go with Irina to see these petroglyphs in Kanosero. They are ancient rock paintings. But nope – that’s not going to happen. I don’t want to spoil too much, that’s not really the point.
Laura goes off on her own to this remote area, because rock paintings are somehow always in such remote areas.
She then travels on a train that is super crammed with people, but she has a compartment – with the “disadvantage”? that she has to share it with Ljoha. Such a cliché to the power of 10.
It’s all a mixture of various unpleasant but understandable situations – along the lines of – it could happen to you at some point in your life.
She wants to change her job in St. Petersburg, but Irina somehow doesn’t get it on the phone.
So she continues on her way. It is not possible to change compartments, so she is stuck with Ljoha again. Slowly they become friends in a strange way.

And from then on I go along. From here on, my heart is somehow in it. And that’s not a romance or anything. Actually, it’s all pretty unlikely and hopeless from the start. Ljoha is on his way to work, he is a mountain farmer and Laura is a student who wants to see something he has never heard of before. He’s a pretty simple guy and she seems to be checking out what she wants first during the whole journey. Both of them go through a development while they sleep away the morning drunk on a Russian granny’s bench or steal cars.

There is also this moment when a Finn gets on board and Laura then trusts the compatriot almost immediately. That backfires, proving once again that this is nonsense.

When they arrive at the train’s destination, they go their separate ways. Then Laura also learns that she can’t visit these rock paintings in winter. And then it gets romantic – but I won’t say anything about that, just watch the film. Really.

Voyage Voyage by Desireless is played over and over again the whole bloody time. https://youtu.be/NlgmH5q9uNk My goodness, and really loud in the cinema. That was pretty impressive and just good.

I would super love to read the book, unfortunately there’s only the Finnish version on google books or something. The translation is out of print, in English and in German. It’s almost like Chimo’s “says Lila”.

Voyage Voyage
Voyage Voyage

You can see a portrait. It shows Ljoha from compartment no. 6. The right side of the head has a lot of shadow. There are many different colours. It looks a bit like a 50s advertisement, with a wave of hairdryer and a mischievous smile. It is mostly done with watercolours and black ink.
You can see part of a portrait. It shows Ljoha from compartment no. 6. The right side of the head has a lot of shadow. There are many different colours. It looks a bit like a 50s advertisement, with hairdryer waves and a mischievous smile. It is mostly done with watercolours and black ink. You can also see a smaller part of a portrait of Laura from the same film. It is the same drawing style, but only her mouth, chin and nose are visible.

Voyage Voyage …

VOYAGE VOYAGE …

Voyage voyage
Plus loin que la nuit et le jour (voyage, voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
Dans l’espace inouï de l’amour
Voyage voyage
Sur l’eau sacrée d’un fleuve indien (voyage, voyage)
Voyage (voyage)
Et jamais ne reviens

Therapeutic doodles

Lately (by that, I guess I mean the last few weeks), I’ve been hanging out in a hackspace more often. There are often a lot of people there and most of them don’t know me well and I don’t know them either. At some point it gets too much for me – sometimes – and I start to slip into dissociative states. I try to avoid that and expose myself to the flooding or this “the memory is full”. I try to force myself a little bit. One possibility for me is to redirect. Redirecting to something haptic or to music, or to both.
So I’ve been making scribbles again for a few weeks. Sometimes with a plan behind it, sometimes I watch myself drawing or scribbling. Maybe the latter is a bit dissociative, but so what?
Attached are a few doodles, some of them are not finished yet, but I’m not sure if I’ll pursue them further.
I gave one away, maybe I’ll ask if I can post it, it’s not mine anymore.

you can see a black lineart scribble that shows a face. it seems that the face is growing out on flowerpieces
Flowers
you can see a black lineart that shows a hand. its not finished
hand – not finished yet

Why do I “sometimes” just not post anything?

Since a few months, I know that I am “ill”.
Short break here:
Brief digression: I’m not sure if that’s the reason I haven’t posted anything for so long, maybe a little, but it’s certainly not the only reason. I’ve been a bit unhappy with the design and my blog theme for a while. I’d like to broaden the focus a bit more than “just posting creative stuff”. I would also like to write something from the soul, get a bit upset, be political, post something about the daily madness. maybe also write about mental health or illness. I would also like to write when I just think something is really good. Film reviews? About music? About my holiday? I don’t want to create a separate blog for every piece of shit.
So just out of fear of scaring someone off, so one of the 3 readers of my blog…. I guess I shouldn’t post anything else but just throw it out there or not?
Digression end.
Moving on:
My brain does not function “normally”. I am torn between: ignoring that something is there and not ignoring it, but finding a way to use my “disturbances” more consciously to generate something good on it.
As we all know, the meaning of “something good” is not exactly the same for everyone.
So I guess I’ll stick to my own perception.
Before I knew what I had, when I was at the beginning of my 20s, I had quite a difficult phase. I was quite self-destructive, others would say. In retrospect, I can say that no, I wasn’t. Puffing cigarettes, scratching around a bit, taking a drag on a vaporizer and occasionally excessive computer gaming is definitely not a path that leads to suicide.
What I did do, however, while I was puffing and carving away at myself: I painted, I drew, I was constantly busy expressing myself in the form of pictures and photographs. I lost myself in it and others pulled me out of it by telling me that you can’t live like that. I remember many moments when others were always saying that something was not possible this way or that way.
Now I know that I listened to others, acted according to others, because I never seriously learned how to do what I wanted. In part, I probably can’t do it at all. I have something like a gut feeling. If I only acted according to my gut, maybe it could backfire quite a bit? Now there’s this thing about “doing/deciding things with your heart” – well, my emotions are really crass. Nothing here with “a little bit here a little bit there” it’s more like “here, stand in front of this steel beam, I’m going to let go of it now”.
Brain…brain, no, it’s not really good either. When I think of all these chains of thoughts, theories that go round in circles and the never-ending nights that rob me of sleep while I try to convince myself that everything is alright.
Wouldn’t it be great if all these organs worked together? If they all functioned “normally”? Making decisions, building interpersonal relationships, maintaining, nurturing and cherishing interpersonal relationships, organising everyday life, working, loving.
I think that ship has sailed.

But one thing is for sure: I am capable of burning for something. So I will do it. I am creative, so I will use that.

So I have decided that now is the time to start using all my weird brain things to express myself the way I do. To stop constantly thinking about the consequences. Finally learn to act on my own without permanent consideration for other people I hardly know. Consideration for important people in my life and an appreciation for me and for them that we can be part of our lives.
I really don’t feel like just dropping out of this life. It can’t be that that’s all there is.

I will probably modify this blog a bit over time. Of course it’s nice to post all these “creative things”. Since I “suffer” from subtle narcissistic tendencies – I have the desire to be “seen”. So my environment came up with the idea that I should just slap everything into a blog and put it online. However, I don’t necessarily get “seen” that way and in the meantime I have slowly found back to my “fuck you attitude” which keeps me from being unhappy when nobody is seriously interested in my creative shit.

I love you all you fuckers <3

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